Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
