Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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