I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I want her autograph on my taint
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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