I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
