i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
