..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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