My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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