I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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