According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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