You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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