I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
