Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
