3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
