I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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