I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
