Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
