i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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