i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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