i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Randomize
