ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
