My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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