You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
