"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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