Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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