his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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