This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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