It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
