Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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