I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
