I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
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I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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