pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
