chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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