i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
