me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Randomize
