I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
