if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
