Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
