I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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