I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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