Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
