I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
