Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
