I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You were trust falling into bushes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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