I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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