He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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