you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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