I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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