I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
