you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Im part way to drunk.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
