You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
