I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
only you would photoshop your dick
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
