I am midnight drunk by noon
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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