When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
